Red-flags are the concerning behaviors that you observe in others. Oftentimes, we see that someone is unhealthy and we make excuses for them. What’s funny about red-flags is we always see it ahead of time. However, when we are in love or intrigued with someone we choose to overlook it. And we often make every excuse for their bad behavior.
It’s important to acknowledge and address these red flags early on, rather than making excuses for them. We may be tempted to overlook them when we’re in love or intrigued by someone, but doing so can be detrimental to our well-being. It’s important to seek the advice of a mentor or therapist to help evaluate if the red flags are deal-breakers or if the person is still a viable dating option.
How to avoid dating someone with red-flag?
Take note of any red flags that you see and don’t ignore them. Don’t make excuses for their behavior or try to rationalize it away. Trust yourself and prioritize your own well-being over the potential for a relationship.
- Start by making a list of things you notice about the person as you’re getting to know them. It’s important to do this before your feelings get too involved, as it will be easier to see their behavior more clearly. Remember to trust your gut instincts – if something feels off, it probably is.
- Additionally, pay attention to how the person treats others around them, such as their family, friends, and coworkers. Are they kind and respectful, or do they frequently criticize or belittle others?
- It’s also important to observe how they handle conflicts or disagreements. Do they communicate openly and respectfully, or do they resort to yelling, blaming, or manipulating?
Also, read this article for more tips: How to Avoid Toxic Relationships When You’re Drunk in Love!
What red-flags do you see?
What red flags do you notice in your date? It’s important to identify them, but don’t obsess over them. Everyone is on a journey of growth. However, if someone is unwilling or unaware of how to change, that can be problematic.
When you recognize a red-flag, please don’t try to play therapist in the relationship. That rarely ends well. Keep in mind that some red flags may indicate a deeper issue, but they may also be insignificant. For example, your date seeking support from the mother for important decisions in their life doesn’t necessarily mean they’re codependent or a mama’s boy.
Take a look at the list below and see how many match your date. Then, talk to a mentor or therapist to help you determine if you’re heading into questionable dating territory. Remember that one red flag doesn’t necessarily mean that someone is a bad dating option or that it’s a deal breaker.
1. They make you feel uncomfortable.
Your body and support system will sound an alarm when something is wrong. If all your alarms are going off, then something may be off with your date.
- They make you feel uncomfortable
- Your family or friends don’t like the person
- You have a bad gut feeling
- You’re constantly confused and feel crazy
- You feel like you’re on an emotional roller coaster
- Your fear others will judge your date
2. They seem too perfect.
Many times we are dating the “representative” or “mask” at the beginning. Pay attention to see if the mask slips and you get a chance to see the real them.
- They present themself as perfect
- They shift between two different personalities
- They lie about liking everything you like
- They’re not kind to others
- Selfish behavior
- They don’t mention any close friends or family members
3. They present unstable behavior.
Is your date volatile? They may be a great person, but could lack emotional stability.
- They are in and out of jobs
- They have a pattern of bad relationships
- They don’t have any close friends, and/or mentors
- They don’t get along with their immediate family
- Angry often about small things
- Passive-aggressive and seeks revenge
- They take bad news extremely bad
- They’re insecure and may seek your encouragement
- There is a constant fear of you cheating or leaving them
- They’re constantly suspicious of your behavior
4. They possess codependent behaviors.
Clingy behavior can easily become scary obsession. Take your time and evaluate if they’re using you to fill a hole in their empty heart.
- They are in love too fast
- They expect you to talk everyday
- They want to live with you immediately
- They can’t live without you (extremely clingy)
- Their lonely and may feel suicidal without you
- Gossip / talks to everyone about issues
- They are uncomfortable with time apart
- They need to talk to their parents about every decision
Related Article: 30 Signs You’re in a Codependent Relationship
5. They have unhealed memories and trauma.
Is the past still haunting your date? Be aware that they may view life through their past pain. If so, it may make it very hard for them to deal with current obstacles with positivity. Such a person might shut down and revert to unhealthy behaviors when they are triggered.
- They’ve never felt “loved” and had a series of hurtful relationships
- They bring up memories of being hurt
- They tell you their not good for you
- They complain about their childhood
- They constantly bring up their ex
- They speak badly about their ex
- They compare you to their ex
- Selfish and overly focused on their own needs
- Unforgiving and often brings up the past
- They have a shaky relationship with their parents/guardians
6. They have controlling behaviors.
Someone with controlling behavior feels safe when everything is exactly how they want it. However, you’re not a child. And they can quickly treat you like you are, so they put their life in a safe order.
- They’re OCD and a perfectionist
- Jealousy / possessive of whose in your life
- Expecting you to do things in their ideal way or they get angry
- Controlling and you end up obeying their commands
- They need to know where you are
- They are suspicious of your actions
- They are overly critical of the words you use
- They try to control your clothing/beauty/weight
- You’re not allowed to be in a bad mood
- They try to keep you isolated and all to themselves
- They pick your friends or control your social time
7. They blame others for their behaviors and feelings.
Does your date deal with toxic shame and fear of doing something wrong? They may subtly blame things on you, so they don’t have to deal with guilt.
- Can’t admit being wrong
- Judgmental and makes you feel flawed
- Blames others and never says what they could do better
- They make you feel guilty for things they did
- They feel like your blaming them
8. They are showing non-committal behaviors.
Your date might be confused, scared, or playing the field to see what other date options they can snag.
- They are hot and cold
- Lack of communication which makes you play guessing games
- They treat you like a girlfriend, but deny feelings for you
- You’re the one calling or chasing them
- They don’t remember prior conversations
- They invite you to group situations, but never intimate dates
- They drag out the dating process and never discuss monogamy
- They don’t introduce you to friends or family
9. They have a lust for power.
- They show interest, but deny feelings for you
- They may make you cry on purpose
- They make you feel unimportant
- They spin it to look like you’re the one thats obsessed
- They wait for you to contact them
- They can be condescending
10. They have a victim mentality.
Does your date feel like the world is against them? This can become a problem when they view you as the enemy as well.
- They’re always right or the victim
- Easily offended or hurt and can’t forgive you
- They’re always complaining about how others treated them
- They bring up memories often of others harming them
- They criticize their family for everything they haven’t done
Related Article: 25 Signs of a Victim Mentality
11. They have manipulative behaviors.
Manipulation is a tactic to control your behavior and your perspective.
- Manipulative and they always find a way to get what they want
- They say, “I would have done it for you.”
- Picking arguments especially to avoid the real subject
- Lying and tends to twist the truth
- Refusal to understand how you feel
12. They are overly giving or stingy with their finances.
Does your date have a tendency to spend uncontrollably or are they leeching off your finances? On the other hand, do they judge your every financial decision, exhibiting extreme tightness and control over money?
Here are some potential red flags to look out for:
- They want to move in with you immediately
- They ask to borrow a large amount of money
- They spend an excessive amount of money on you
- They exhibit extreme caution with their own money
- They become visibly upset when you spend too much
- They make negative comments about your spending habits
While these behaviors may be concerning, it’s important to also consider if you are spending within your means and seek advice from a mentor or therapist if needed. It’s also possible that someone wanting to spend their money on you can be a positive sign, as long as they are not being reckless or unstable with their finances.
13. Fixed Mindset Behavior
Your date may potentially be stuck in their own ways. You may have to fight to have your opinion heard.
- They refuse to grow and become better
- They can’t understand your opinions
- They prove why your opinion is wrong
- They always see why something wont work
- They settle and may not push for more
14. Condescending Behavior
An insecure partner will put you and others down. This will allow them to feel better about themselves.
- They try to be better than everyone
- Their flashy and a show off
- They may be extremely prideful and arrogant
- They have something negative to say about everyone
- They compare you to other people
- They call you names and demean you
Related Article: 13 Causes of Toxic Communication in Relationships
15. Physical Red Flags
Physical red flags signal that your date may be more interested in sex than an emotional connection.
- You’re first date is in their house, pool, or an intimate area
- They seem emotional distant if you communicate “no” to a kiss, etc.
- They try to convince you to do sexual acts even after you’ve said no
- They’re more excited for physical than getting to know you
- They only compliment your physical and not personality
