10 Emotional Needs That Destroy Relationships!

Do you often find yourself feeling sad, angry, or frustrated because of something your partner has said or done? Do you feel like your emotional needs are not being met in your marriage or friendships, and that you’re frequently misunderstood or uncared for?

Emotional needs are a vital part of any relationship, as they help us feel happy and fulfilled. However, it’s common to enter into relationships with unrealistic expectations or unhealthy needs that can cause problems down the line.

What are emotional needs in a relationship?

Emotional needs refer to the things that we require to feel fulfilled, secure, content, and emotionally safe in a relationship. As children, we had our needs met by our parents who provided us with food, shelter, and protection. As adults, we still have emotional needs, but they are more complex and require more nuanced attention and care.

What happens if your emotional needs are not being met?

While some people respond by finding independent ways to meet their needs, not everyone is able to do so. When some individuals have their emotional needs unmet, they may become like a child throwing a tantrum because they want their needs met immediately.

The issue can escalate if you try to get those needs met by using manipulative or unhealthy tactics, such as control, guilt-tripping, giving the silent treatment, gaslighting, blame-shifting, or even revenge.

It’s essential to recognize that it’s abusive to force someone else to meet your needs using behaviors that hurt them. People who need others to fulfill their needs are often considered codependent, and an abusive codependent has likely learned toxic ways to make others give them what they need.

If you’re moving too fast to notice the warning signs, or if you’re blinded by love and have a tendency to please others to the point where you’re not taking care of your own needs, abusers can get away with their bad behaviors. It’s crucial to prioritize your own emotional wellbeing and seek help from a therapist or counselor if you’re struggling to navigate these issues on your own.

What are emotional triggers?

When a person’s needs aren’t met, it’s common for them to feel triggered, which can cause them to act out in ways that are out of character. These behaviors may include anger, control, manipulation, or other unhealthy coping mechanisms.

Unfortunately, many people are not fully aware that they’re using these toxic strategies to get what they want, as they may not fully understand how the situation is impacting them. If a person doesn’t learn how to heal and find healthy ways to meet their psychological needs, it’s likely that they will continue to struggle in relationships and may even destroy them.

10 Most Common Emotional Needs

• To feel wanted & special.
• To feel happy.
• To feel beautiful.
• To feel safe.
• To be provided for financially.
• To have sexual desires met.
• To feel understood.
• To feel less alone and have a companion.
• To feel happy and fulfilled.
• To have a successful and ideal relationship.

These emotional needs may vary from person to person, but they are applicable to both friendships and romantic relationships. It’s important to recognize that if you or your partner continually cross each other’s boundaries and force each other to meet certain expectations and needs, this may be a sign of struggling with a mental health disorder or toxic emotions.

It’s essential to keep in mind that if someone uses controlling or manipulative tactics to make someone else fill their emotional needs, this behavior is abusive and should not be tolerated. It’s crucial to prioritize healthy communication and respect in all relationships to ensure that everyone’s emotional needs are met in a healthy and positive way.

Related Article: Am I Toxic? Quiz + 11 Healing Tips!

#1 To feel wanted or special. 

Unhealthy: Unhealthy behaviors in a relationship can include feeling the need to be called or texted every day, excessively calling or texting your partner, seeking attention from people who don’t align with your values or don’t make you feel comfortable, becoming upset if your partner doesn’t say “I love you” or doesn’t express love in the way you want.

Healthy: You should not rely on a romantic partner to fulfill your need for feeling wanted. It’s important to communicate with your partner about what makes you feel wanted, and to learn to do things by yourself to create a sense of self-worth and fulfillment. Having a supportive group of friends who appreciate you can also help meet your emotional needs. If you are struggling with healing from past wounds or unresolved issues, therapy or coaching can be a valuable tool to help you find balance and happiness.

#2 To feel happy.                  

Unhealthy: Do you feel that you require the presence of others to be happy? Do you anticipate your friends or partner to accompany you in everything you do? Do you seek validation from others to feel good and happy, or do you derive pleasure from making toxic partners or unloved people feel loved? Do you find it gratifying to be the best girlfriend or friend someone has ever had? In any case, these behaviors may make you happy because it makes you feel like a good person, but they can also be signs of unhealthy attachment or codependency.

Healthy: While it’s important to have a support system and spend time with loved ones, it’s also important to be content with being alone and finding happiness within yourself. Allow your friends and partner to have their own interests and spend time apart. Don’t try to fix toxic partners or save people who don’t want to be saved. Instead, focus on building healthy relationships and being a good person for yourself, not just for the validation of others.

Instead, work on feeling happy and fulfilled on your own before entering into a relationship. Being in a relationship can amplify existing issues and make it harder to address them. It’s important to address any personal wounds before trying to navigate relationship problems.

Related Quiz: Why are you dating the wrong men?

#3 To feel beautiful.             

Unhealthy: Do you find yourself constantly seeking validation through compliments and recognition? Do you become upset when others do not acknowledge your efforts? Do you become jealous when your partner compliments or interacts with someone else? These behaviors may indicate a deeper issue with insecurity and a need for constant reassurance. It is important to address these concerns and work on building self-confidence and healthy communication in relationships.

Healthy: Believe in your own beauty and strive to be the best and most authentic version of yourself. You should not depend on anyone to validate your beauty, and you should not feel threatened by other women as you are incomparable and unique in your own way.

#4 To feel safe.                         

Unhealthy:  You may find yourself dating partners you don’t love or trust just to avoid being cheated on. Or, you may resort to people-pleasing to avoid conflict, manipulating or controlling others to get your way. Perhaps you have a rigid checklist of physical traits, such as height, weight, or income, and refuse to date individuals who don’t meet these criteria. Do you constantly test your partner’s loyalty, or become dissatisfied if they don’t show enough aggression? Do you struggle with trust, constantly worrying that your partner may cheat or leave you? Are you prone to lashing out when you suspect infidelity or wrongdoing?

Healthy:  It’s important to recognize that physical traits such as height, weight, or income don’t guarantee a safe and trustworthy partner. Take your time to get to know potential partners and pray about your decisions, rather than rushing into relationships. A person’s true character will be revealed over time, helping you to choose someone you can trust and feel secure with. If you find yourself constantly worrying about infidelity, it may be helpful to seek therapy or consider leaving the relationship if trust cannot be established. Avoid staying in relationships where you feel the need to manipulate or control the other person, or constantly please them at the expense of your own well-being. Starting a relationship with unhealthy patterns to feel safe will likely lead to a toxic dynamic, where you feel compelled to continue engaging in behaviors that don’t align with your values.

#5 To be provided for financially.       

Unhealthy: Are you only willing to date partner who have a certain income level? Do you find yourself staying in abusive relationships or tolerating bad behavior from your partner because of their financial support? Do you expect your partner to spend exorbitant amounts of money on you?

Healthy: It’s important to prioritize your own financial independence and work towards achieving your career and financial goals. This way, if you meet a partner, their income can be seen as a bonus rather than a necessity for your security.

Related Article: 23 Relationships Tips Men Wish Women Knew!

#6 To have sexual desires met.           

Unhealthy: Are you quick to jump into relationships, affection, and physical intimacy? Do you sleep with random partners? Are you solely focused on satisfying your own sexual needs? Are you fixated on his sexual abilities or size? Are you difficult to satisfy in bed? Do you only love partners for their physical and sexual attributes?

Healthy: A healthy relationship involves two people who are willing to learn how to make each other happy, and this takes time and effort, and sometimes therapy. Uncontrollable sexual desires often occur when you are stressed and use lust as a coping mechanism for negative emotions. To manage your desires in a healthy way that doesn’t lead to negative situations, it is important to work on healing and developing healthy coping mechanisms.

#7 To feel understood.            

Unhealthy: Do you try to make others feel your pain through revenge or passive-aggressiveness? Or do you overshare your feelings, calling others constantly to talk about them? Do you get upset when people don’t read your mind or ask how you’re feeling? Do you automatically assume what others are thinking when they hurt you, and get angry when they don’t change their behavior immediately to meet your needs? Do you feel justified in lashing out when others don’t understand you or do what you want?

Healthy: Listen to others and learn to communicate your own wants and needs clearly. Understand that it’s okay if others don’t always understand you. Use patience as you wait for people to see how you feel and change their behavior. Respect that people may never change, and don’t try to control their actions or thoughts. Vocalize your needs in a healthy way, and recognize that you deserve to be heard and understood, but not necessarily obeyed.

#8 A best friend.                       

Unhealthy: Do you expect your friends or partners to talk to you every day? Do you need to be around someone constantly to have fun? Do you get mad if they don’t want to do things you do? Or do you get mad that you both have different love languages, needs, and senses of what is fun? You may also get mad if they find the things you like boring. You may guilt people into doing what you want them to. You might try to rush to make the relationship more than what it is. You may fantasize about what the person will do with you without knowing their true likes and dislikes.

Healthy: Understand that your partner or friends might be your complete opposite. You will have to try to like what they like and vice versa. Best friends learn to understand each other’s likes and dislikes. Best friends aren’t built on buddies that like to do all the same things and feel all the same things. Remove the fairy tale fantasy. Be prepared to disagree and compromise a lot. Don’t expect your friends or partner to be with you constantly, but make sure you have quality time together. It’s important to respect each other’s differences and support each other’s interests.

Related Article: 6 Keys To Avoid Unhealthy Romantic Expectations

#9 To feel better.   

Unhealthy: When you’re feeling emotional pain, it’s tempting to seek relief through unhealthy coping mechanisms. You might turn to drugs, people, sex, gossiping, sleeping, anger, avoiding, or other harmful behaviors to deal with the pain.

Healthy: It’s important to learn healthy ways to cope with pain, such as picking up a hobby, exercising, getting therapy, practicing mindfulness, or talking to a trusted friend. Unhealthy coping mechanisms may provide temporary relief, but they won’t address the root cause of the pain. Healing emotional wounds takes time, self-love, and reflection, and seeking support from professionals or loved ones can be an important part of the process.

#10 To have a relationship.      

Unhealthy: If you jump into relationships with unrealistic expectations, you may end up in unhealthy situations. Do you have a false belief that your relationship will be perfect and that your partner won’t ever hurt you? Do you constantly daydream about your ideal relationship and how it should unfold? Do you make large assumptions about the personalities of new acquaintances and potential partners? Beware that this kind of behavior can lead you into friendships and relationships that are not what you expected and where you may discover that someone is not who you thought they were.

Healthy: It’s important to approach relationships with realistic expectations and remember that both you and your partner are imperfect humans who are constantly learning and growing. Life is full of challenges, and it’s likely that you’ll both make mistakes and act in ways that surprise each other. To be a good partner, focus on your own healing journey and give your partner the space and support they need to heal and grow as well.

Related Article: What is a toxic relationship? What causes toxic relationships?

Many people seek to meet their emotional needs, but often go about it in the wrong way. Are you ready to break that pattern? If so, sign up for a free 20-minute 1:1 empowerment coaching session and let me help guide you.

Trying to meet someone’s emotional needs can be a slippery slope into a codependent relationship. In a codependent dynamic, both individuals become consumed with constantly making the other person feel good, leading to potential problems down the road. It’s important to recognize that many needs stem from past traumas and unhealed wounds, which cannot be fully resolved through a partner. Rather, it’s crucial to focus on one’s own healing and growth, while also setting healthy boundaries in relationships.

How do you communicate your needs in a relationship?

It’s important to communicate your desires, rather than your needs, to others. We can never expect someone to do what we want, and if we do, we will likely end up disappointed. Instead, we should be grateful for what others are able to do for us.

While some desires are important to have met, it’s important not to let them cross over into the realm of unhealthy behavior. For example, it’s reasonable to desire to feel secure and safe in a relationship. However, it becomes unhealthy when this desire turns into demanding and controlling behavior towards your partner, such as requiring them to pick up the phone all the time or questioning their love and intentions when they don’t meet your “needs.” It’s important to recognize when our desires become unhealthy and take steps to communicate them in a healthy way, without resorting to controlling or manipulative behavior.

Related Article: Empaths Attract Narcissists In Relationship: 3 Keys To End Cycle!

Do men and women have the same needs?

The emotional desires of individuals, regardless of gender, are similar. Essentially, men and women have the same emotional needs. Everyone wants to feel loved, respected, wanted, understood, and valued in a relationship. However, sometimes individuals can become so focused on their own needs that they forget to prioritize their partner’s needs, leading to an imbalanced and selfish relationship. It is important to recognize that expecting your partner to fulfill all your emotional needs is unrealistic and potentially harmful to the relationship.

Instead of trying to manipulate your partner or friend to fulfill your needs, take the time to reflect on your emotional needs and work on fulfilling them for yourself. The Single Girl’s Guide To Finding Real Love provides helpful strategies for healing toxic dating patterns and learning how to prioritize your emotional needs in a healthy way.